Realization

3 09 2010

So. Tonight, my dad called me a fucking asshole.

Theres really no other way to begin what may be my deepest blog post ever. I’m hesitant to push publish, simply for the fact that sometimes my sister reads my blog, and I like knowing that no one who actually knows me (or probably will ever know me) in real life reads what I really have to say. But, here it goes.

I think I’ve hit rock bottom in my life.

I’m a college sophomore, and I feel like I’m 80. I don’t have really any friends who consider me when they are making friday night plans (been this way since sophomore year of high school) I hate my college, my state, my body, and recently; my eating habits. I don’t know what to do.

I thought getting an apartment, downtown, would change my life. It didn’t. I thought becoming a runner would make me skinner. It didn’t. I thought being in college would make me have more friends. It didn’t. I thought I would love life when I was 19 years old. I don’t.

Tonight, everything just made sense. My dad blew up at me and cussed profanities at me for almost 10 minutes. I let it all soak in, and then I realized: I am a big fucking asshole.

I treat my parents horribly and my bf horribly too. He’d do anything for me; including going running (which he hates) and I take him for granted every single day for the past 2 years. I’ve told him to dump me so many times, yes I”d be sad, but I’m better off alone; and he is better off with someone who would do anything for him. I wouldn’t.

You see, when I graduate, I’m taking off. I’m leaving the corn state and never looking back. I may be poor, I may be hungry, but I don’t care: I’m leaving. I made a huge mistake not going out of state for college. I’m regretting it everyday of my life.

In the past couple months I’ve also been eating a marathon diet plan, even though I’m only training for a half. I’ve let weight lifting go by the wayside, and I haven’t swam in 2+ weeks. I have every fitness magazine known to mankind, and I can’t get my butt out and just DO something about it.

I’m sitting in my apartment, on a Friday night, crying. I’ve hit a place in my life where I don’t feel like anything is going right. I’ve screwed up just about everything I had going for me this summer:

My sports nutrition internship (didn’t commit enough)

My dieteic assistantship (made a stupid mistake)

Being a girls on the run coach (had to help a friend out)

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I need change. I need to be someone else.

I think this is the most open and honest I’ve ever been with myself, or anyone for that matter. I figured no one reads this anyway, so why not pour my heart and soul out into cyber space.

Sealed with a tear.

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4 responses

6 09 2010
amanda

I wish you didn’t feel this way and most of all I wish there was something I could do to make it better. I love you!

6 09 2010
absgirl

yeah. I wish I didn’t either. Love you to.

6 09 2010
Leah

Hugs to you. I wish you didn’t feel this way and that there was something that could easily turn your life around. You can change things, one small step at a time.

6 09 2010
absgirl

Thanks! And, i’m trying. but we’ll see.

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