4 05 2011

I haven’t posted since Valentines day. And here’s just a few reasons why:

Working at Trader Joe’s

Volunteering at Husker Performance

16 credit hours + 3 labs

Training for a marathon

Sleep, Eating (you know the basics)

Trying to keep a social life (might of fell by the wayside…)

I’ve been a busy girl! Last Sunday it was all suppossed to be rewarded by finishing my second marathon. That didn’t happen. I DNF’ed (?) in my first race ever. The most important race ever, to me at least.

During this training I’ve been the busiest ever. Trying to be a full time student, work 2 part time jobs, and run 30+ miles a week will take a toll on your body, and your grades. My calves have felt tight for about a month now, and I have been worried about finishing for a while now. The night before the race, I was so ready to cross that finish line for the second time, even though this time i’d be solo.

When the race was about to start, I was alone, but ready. I felt awesome from mile 1-6, and then at mile 7 my legs started cramping, and my paces slowed. I saw my parents at mile 8 and that helped; but I was still in pain. I knew I would not make it 20 more miles with legs feeling like this, unless I didn’t want to walk for a few days.

I saw my parents right before the half/full split. I told them I was dropping down. The tears almost flowed at that point. I took the turn and headed to the finish line. I felt like I was moving in slow motion, like I wasn’t actually running, but imaging it in my head. I felt horrible, like a failure, a quitter; the worst feelings in the world.

I didn’t even look at my time, or smile when I was awarded a medal. I didn’t take any gatorade or fruit, I just felt defeated. I had been training for 4 months for this. All those early mornings, and staying in on Friday nights. What were the worth? Nothing, because I failed. I cried a long time on Sunday. No one could make me feel any better. I always wonder “what if”. Would I of felt good? Would I of injured myself? I’ll never know, and I think that is what tears me apart inside. And the fact that I have to face everyone who asks me how the marathon was. I need to train and finish another marathon. I need to be proud of myself. I need to feel like I can accomplish something. I need to make myself see that I’m worth something.




One response

6 05 2011

You still finished the half so does it really count as a dnf? I know you didn’t finish the race you intended but you didn’t drop out at 7. You’ve had a very busy schedule and sometimes it’s better to just listen to your body. I’m not good at pep talks (obviously :)) but try not to beat yourself up too much – you’ve accomplished more than a lot of people.

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